What is a “driver” ?
It is an order that we give ourselves or that is given to us.
It is little voice telling us ‘I must’ or ‘I have to”’.
We learn about these drivers most often in childhood.
Sometimes they are explicit instructions: ‘Hurry up, there’s no time!” So we quickly understand that it’s important to hurry.
At other times, they are small, seemingly unimportant remarks: ‘It’s a shame that…’. Nevertheless, we can deduce that we disappoint by making mistakes… So all we have to do is try to do things perfectly.
We may also impose certain drivers on ourselves. Faced with parents who seem to have a lot of problems, we unconsciously decide not to add to their worries and do everything we can to please them.
The drivers of transactional analysis
Transactional analysis, a branch of psychology developed by Eric Berne, has highlighted 5 drivers:
‘Be perfect’, “Be strong”, “Hurry up”, “Please me” and “Try hard”.
These drivers, even if unconscious, are very present in each of us and dictate many of our behaviors, often preventing us from taking the decisions or making the choices that would suit us best for fear that…
This is because each driver hides one or more fears, and obeying the driver is often easier than facing up to our fears.
Let’s explore each driver and its underlying fear together.
“Be perfect”
Few people want to be perfect, but the fear of doing things badly is so strong that the only way to avoid being judged or criticized is to do things perfectly or even to be perfect. This is how this driver and many perfectionists are born.
“Be strong”
The belief behind this driver is that showing your emotions is a sign of weakness. For fear of showing vulnerability, the opposite approach is to trust only in facts and rationality. So we show ourselves to be strong, listening only to our mind, ignoring our emotions and the signals sent by our body. A way of doing things that can ultimately lead to exhaustion…
“Hurry up!”
Don’t waste time, hurry up, always be in action, be useful, that’s what’s behind the driver ‘hurry up’.
So we get busy, we get things done… and we forget to settle down, to rest. Being busy, always doing something, shows how important you are! And it’s often a good excuse not to face up to ourselves for fear of what we might find.
“Try hard”
Underlying this driver is the belief that you have to suffer, deserve and struggle to succeed. If things are too easy, if they are pleasurable and not painful, then it’s not normal. So we fight, we make the effort again and again. Even if it’s difficult, we can’t give up, because stopping or changing our minds would make us people without values, without principles. So we keep trying, even if unfortunately it’s in the wrong direction.
“Please me” or “Be nice”
Or when in the end we always say yes, we always agree, we’re up for anything because we’re so afraid of saying no and not being a nice person. The fear of conflict leads us to accept situations that don’t suit us, that don’t respect our needs or our values, but the fear of offending is too strong.
This is how these drivers condition us to behaviors that may ultimately be far from what we would like to do or be.
How can we get rid of those drivers ?
It is definitely a process…
The good news is that becoming aware of these drivers is already a first step towards a better understanding of ourselves, our patterns and our repetitions.
The next step is to take action to deconstruct these little voices and free ourselves from them and this is exactly what I propose in coaching.
If you recognise yourself in any of these drivers and realise that it’s becoming very heavy to carry, I’d be happy to help you lift them.
Here is a link to book your discovery coaching session.