Are you a perfectionist? Check it out! – Article

Exhaustion

A client story

I realized not too long ago that some of my clients weren’t really aware of their little perfectionist side. 

To tell you the whole story, I had a session with a client during which we talked about a personality test she had taken. She told me that she did indeed recognize herself in some of the negative aspects of the personality description. She listed these “negative” sides:

  • inflexible
  • reluctant to innovate or improvise
  • vulnerable to criticism
  • often too needy (fishing for compliments)
  • too selfless

She wondered what conclusion to draw from these personality traits because she saw no connection between any of them.

I suggested to her that perfectionism could be the link between each of these characteristics because controlling, needing recognition and putting others first are some aspects of perfectionism.

Indeed, it made sense as all these behaviors could be explained by an underlying perfectionism.

3 types of perfectionism!

What we often don’t know is that there are 3 types of perfectionism!

  • Self-oriented perfectionism: the person expects the best from themselves, always seeks more and better, never really satisfied with their achievements…
  • Other-oriented perfectionism: the person expects others to behave in a certain way and it bothers them when they don’t, becoming slightly intolerant and controlling
  • A socially prescribed perfectionism:  the person thinks that she needs to be perfect to be loved and accepted and therefore does a lot for others, in search of recognition

Interesting, right?

The related fears 

What is important to understand is that under every type of perfectionism hides a fear.

The self-oriented perfectionist is afraid of not being capable, competent, good enough,… So to avoid this fear, the person always does more to prove himself.

The other-oriented perfectionist is afraid of not having control, of what could happen,… So to manage this fear, she tries to control everything, her life, her schedule, the others… We never know what might happen!

The socially prescribed perfectionist is fearful of not being accepted. So she tries her best to be socially perfect and not disappoint others.

The consequences

All these fears can either push perfectionists to always do more, or lead them to procrastination or even paralysis.

And instead of taming their fears, these behaviors actually drain their energy, make them constantly anxious, and slowly sink their self-confidence.

So watch out for the signs!

Here are some additional clues to recognise perfectionism;

  • A black or white way of thinking: it’s all or nothing, it is excellent or it sucks, ..
  • An obsession with the result to be achieved with little pleasure in the process
  • The fear of being wrong
  • the need to anticipate, plan, control
  • The constant comparison with others
  • The difficulty of trying something new 
  • The need for recognition from others

This list is not exhaustive but can already give you an idea of the thoughts and behaviors of a perfectionist person.

Do you think you might have perfectionist sides?

Do they get in the way of what you’re trying to accomplish professionally or personally?

If so, it’s time to deal with it!

You will find some solutions in the following videos: 

And if that’s not enough, don’t hesitate to contact me. As a former perfectionist, I’d be happy to help!

“7 laws you need to know to better organise your time!” – Article

Pareto, Parkinson, Fraisse, Carlson, Illich, Laborit, Swoboda-Fliess-Teltscher,…

Yep, there are even laws regarding time and planning!

Phew! 😅

We didn’t invent anything and instead of reinventing the wheel, it’s rather interesting to look at what has already been said, tested, proven before us…

Of course, we are not obliged but it can be useful to us!

I share here 7 laws on time management. These are the ones I prefer and which seem to me the most useful for organizing your schedule.

1. Parkinson’s Law: “Time is like a gas: it expands to fill all available space!”

I think this is my favorite law!

Basically, this means that the more time you have to do something, the more time you take!

It also means that the more time you have to do nothing, the more time you take!

An invitation therefore to frame time using a “time boxing” method such as the Pomodoro technique for example.

2. Fraisse’s law: “1 hour is not always equal to 1 hour!”

It is certain that children quickly understand that time is relative and psychological!! One hour of video game does not equal one hour of homework! When you are in your “flow”, time flies! 😅

Well it’s the same thing for us and we must therefore take this into account in our planning.

3. Pareto’s Law: “80% of the effects (results) come from 20% of the causes (actions).”

A law that invites you to choose your actions wisely!

No need to run around and stir the air… Take a moment to think about how to use your time and energy is much more efficient!

4. Carlson’s Law: “Any interrupted work will be less efficient and take longer than if it were done continuously.”

Awesome! There’s even a law that says multitasking is counterproductive!

Like what, it’s not just me who says it!

So hide your cell phone and focus on one thing at a time!

5. Illich’s Law: “Beyond a certain threshold, human efficiency declines, even becoming negative.”

Wow, I love these laws!

And yes, there is no point in stubbornly working long days when things are not progressing!

Again this is counterproductive; you lose your energy, your time, your mental health,… A big sleep and you get back to it tomorrow.

6. Laborit’s Law or the Principle of Least Effort: “Humans prefer to perform simple tasks that give immediate gratification to avoid stress and inconvenience.”

Hahaha, no kidding! Immediate gratification!

In short, let’s try to start our days with the least funny things, so we avoid never doing them!

7. The Swoboda-Fliess-Teltscher Law: “Our productivity is directly guided by our biological rhythms.”

Yes, the name of this law is less easy to remember…

Let’s just remember that there are indeed times when our brain is more active! In general, in the morning and at the end of the day.

And other times where it is less so! We therefore avoid times when the brain is softened to think about very important things… for example, just after lunch because at that time it is digestion that has priority and not reflection…

So what do you say? These laws are nice, aren’t they?

Which one speaks to you the most? Use it in the next few days to plan your activities!

Find all these laws as well as other tips and tricks for organising your schedule and managing your daily energy in the document: “Plan 2023 with intention!”.

Download it for free here!

Happy planning!

Our fears sabotage us – Article

Our fears sabotage us

Let’s take a step back and understand why we experience fear in the first place.

Fear is a useful emotion as it intends to protect us from dangers.

When we were cavemen, fear was there so we could be alert and not be eaten by a wild animal as soon as we came out of the cave.

Many of us are lucky these days not to face fears on a daily basis. We are lucky enough to live a life without needing to be vigilant second after second.

Yet we are filled with fears.

Fears in our minds.

Reality and imagination

Our brain does not distinguish real fears from imaginary fears and our body reacts the same way to both.

So when we start imagining the worst-case scenarios of what could happen, the fear is real for our body, our pulse starts racing, our breathing becomes short, we feel hot and sweaty.

Our body prepares to fight, flight or freeze.

Fight, flight, freeze for what exactly?

Is there real danger?

Is this fear trying to protect us from anything?

I do not think so.

I think in this case our fears sabotage us.

Worst case scenarios

You could say that this fear is actually useful, it helps us prepare, it makes sure we have thought of everything, it pushes us to do the best we can.

I doubt.

To obtain what results?

 Preparing for the worst-case scenario?

Is this the way we want to live our lives, always preparing for the worst?

Isn’t that actually preparing us not to succeed?

Isn’t avoiding the worst just an excuse for not being ambitious enough with our lives?

What is behind our fears.

Fears sabotage us.

We are not afraid to protect ourselves from real dangers.

We are afraid because we want to protect ourselves from shame, guilt, rejection, “failures”,…

We are so afraid to be wrong! 

We are so afraid of people judging us (as we most probably judge ourselves and others the same way) that we try to control all the “what if” scenarios.

And that leads us to try to control what is uncontrollable because we cannot control others, we cannot control changes, uncertainties, unforeseen events, we cannot control life,…

Paralysing fears

Our fears leading to control paralyze us.

They paralyze all initiative, all proactivity, all creativity.

They create a big gap between our dreams, our hopes, our aspirations and our reality.

In the process, we waste a lot of our time and energy.

But above all, we lose confidence in ourselves, we lose faith in life.

 

Fears enclose us.

They sabotage us to the core.

They kill the sparks of our inner child who would want so much more for us.

Fears are a vicious circle.

And in the center of this circle is our ego.

There is so much more for you!

Please get out of your head.

Get out of your fears.

Get out of yourself.

 

Instead of cowering in your fears, open up to others and to the world.

Think of what you can bring to the world, how you can help the world to be a better place instead of being fearful of your potential mistakes.

 

Yes, it is not easy to choose faith over fear.

And it’s not easy to change this habit of thinking the worst as your brain is used to watching for “dangers” everywhere.

He’s so used to trying to find solutions to save us from being hurt, from being wrong, from being ashamed, from feeling guilty…

But it is possible once you understand that there is so much more to you than being locked in with your fears.

 

We all have a purpose on earth, a contribution to make to the world.

Use those fears to challenge yourself.

Use those fears to understand what really matters to you.

Your destiny is certainly not to be afraid and to miss out on your life!

 

So dare to explore, dare to trust, dare to love, dare to live your full potential!

Far be it from me to tell you all this and leave you with your fears! 

Here is another article that can help you tame them.

And if you need support to overcome your fears and move forward in your projects, do not hesitate to contact me.

Exhaustion – Article

Exhaustion

This is a cry from my heart.

Following two years of Covid pandemic, many people are experiencing emotional and/or physical breakdown.

They held on tight for a while in a very difficult context with a lot of fears and uncertainties, they held on and now that the pandemic is receding, they have the space to let go, to think about themselves, think about their lives…  and they start to collapse.

I see a lot of people around me who stop working, handing over medical certificates, unable to carry on because they're too exhausted.

Most of them are women.

Indeed, during this period, gender inequalities were glaring and women, much more than men, managed most of the household: home schooling, cleaning, taking care of children,... all while working at the same time.

I wonder when we will realise that gender equality is far from being achieved.

Yes, we have the right to vote, to study, to choose our career, to be free,...

Yes, but in reality, it is always up to women to take care of the household, shopping, children, family activities... And it's not just about doing it in addition to our work, but also thinking about it, organising it, coordinating it! The mental load is almost exclusively for us.

Should we talk about progress? I don’t know. I think that women are stuck for the moment.

And I think most husbands, fathers, men don't realise that.

And it's partly our fault (and at the same time it's not, because we were well educated and programmed by the system…)

We play superwomen.

We proud ourselves and we convince ourselves we can do it all.

We don't delegate because it takes time and anyway it will not be done as we want it to.

We manage everything.

We control.

And at some point, it's way too much.

Ladies, we are caregivers, it is in our nature but the problem is when we care too much about others (and what they might think of us) and too little about ourselves.

Gentlemen, open your eyes, observe your house, do the exercise of listing all the invisible and repetitive tasks that your wives, sisters, daughters do without you realising it, as if it were completely normal.

We cannot do everything.

And if we do, at some point, we will crumble.

“5 strengths expat wife and entrepreneur have in common!” – Article

Expat wife

I wanted to write an article on expatriation for a long time.

An article on the challenges and opportunities of expatriation.

And to be very honest, more specifically on the unrecognised or undervalued role of the expatriate woman, the so-called “trailing spouse”…

But I wasn't sure how to approach this article…

Reading back my notes, I realised that expat women have so much in common with entrepreneurs! And indeed many of them, like me, become entrepreneurs!

So, what strengths do expat wives develop during expatriation that makes them super suited for an entrepreneurial role?

I did some research and here are 5 traits that successful entrepreneurs and expat wives possess:

  • Social abilities
  • Planning
  • Confidence
  • Creativity
  • Optimism

And I don't even dwell in this article on other qualities such as open-mindedness, risk tolerance, flexibility, resilience,... which are also common to expats and entrepreneurs! It will probably be in a future article!

The expat wife is a networking pro! 

Whether it's online networking or face-to-face networking, the expat wife is compelled to step out of her comfort zone as she is often responsible for creating what will be the social life for herself and her family. 

Networking is a must when you are new in town to start understanding the dos and don’t and to create a support network for you and your family.

It doesn't matter if you are extroverted or introverted, you must go out there, work on your social skills, be open-minded, dare to talk to strangers, ask anything and everything to find your place in this new environment (from finding the best grocery store or activities for the kids to solving passport or tax issues).

And to achieve this, the expat wife must accept to feel vulnerable and not be afraid of being rejected. 

After exploring all the possible avenues of networking, she will then choose those that will best suit her and her family, which also means diplomatically declining certain options.

Having created her own support network, knowing exactly whom to ask or whom to reach out for any possible questions or challenges, she often becomes the go-to person for new expats and when leaving her current host country for a new one, she becomes a pro at maintaining her global network!

She is a super planner and organiser!

At first, a new expatriate wife will probably think "what a great opportunity, I now have all the time in the world to do everything I always wanted to do when I was working!".

And soon she will realize that like gas, time expands until it fills all available space...

If she doesn't plan her day, time will pass and she will wonder what she is doing with her days, weeks, months,...

Without a boss telling her what to do or how to organise her day, the expatriate woman will become her own boss and create a routine for managing the household while achieving the goals she has set for herself!

She is definitely the great planner and organiser for the whole family;  taking care of the children, the school activities, the household chores, the maintenance, the shopping, the vacation planning, the social network,... that's all on her!

But on top of that, she will also have to make room and take time to realise herself and achieve her goals!

Doesn't that sound like a minister's program? Or the planning of an entrepreneur?

Courage and confidence are her mottos.

Being in a new environment, being bombarded with new information, meeting so many new people, taking on a new role, being confronted with other ways of doing things can definitely make us lose our bearings.

In addition, expatriate wives are often faced with the fact of no longer having a job, and therefore losing part of their identity.

All of this can shake their confidence.

It takes a good dose of courage not to lose sight of who you really are and what you really want.

You need a lot of self-confidence to continue to value your talents, skills, values ​​and to move forward, find your place and make the right choices for yourself.

She cannot do it without being creative!

Creating a new balance for herself and the whole family cannot be done without thinking outside the box and calling on her creativity.

Creativity in how she will spend time with children. Being home full time doesn't specifically mean quality time. It often means "Help, too much time with the children, I need air!". To find a balance in this new situation, she must invent a creative way to spend time with her children so that everyone finds joy and fulfilment.

Creativity to make room for her couple. To be abroad means to be far away. We may have more time for our family nucleus and we get closer to our children but at the same time, the children are always there! No immediate family or friends to take them for an afternoon or on weekends and spend time as a couple. So creativity is once again at the rendezvous to reinvent a little respite for the couple.

Creativity to stay connected with the country of origin! It takes planning and creativity (especially if there is a big jet lag) to organise video calls, special moments for children with their grandparents, godmother and godfather, sharing family adventures on a blog, organise birthday parties online,...

Creativity on a daily basis to develop potential options and find solutions to deal with all the new problems the family is facing in a new environment!

Optimism is her second nature!

Everything is new, everything is to be discovered, the cool things as well as the less cool ones. There are many changes, challenges and uncertainties and at the beginning of the expatriation it's a lot to manage at once.

Some days, everything is fine, life is good and expatriation is the dream.

Other days it's bad, we realise that it's not just a vacation but it's our life now and there are things we don't like. We are far from those who know us by heart and sometimes we just want to crawl back to bed and cry.

This is also what it means to be an expat; an emotional roller coaster, with high highs and deep lows; the sensations are greater there!

It is therefore essential to cultivate a positive mindset, no matter what happens. 

It also requires an unfailing optimism and sense of humour to overcome challenges and always see them as opportunities to learn and grow!

Isn't that still the spirit of entrepreneurship?

“Why is it so difficult to say “no”?” – Article

“NO”

Such a small word.

Such a difficult word to say.

Why is it so difficult to say “no”?

As social animals we want to belong and be loved and the thought of being rejected is just super scary!

So we create many stories to protect ourselves and prevent us from saying “no”:

  • I don’t want to disappoint them
  • I don’t want them to think that I can’t
  • I don’t like conflicts
  • I’m afraid of his reaction
  • If I say no it will hurt her
  • If I say no he won’t love me
  • I don’t want to be selfish
  • I’m a nice person, I care about others
  • I don’t want be the fussy one
  • …

Of course, these are stories. We have no idea what will happen if we say no.

But the fear is there and we rather say yes.

We believe that this yes will protect us from the rejection of others.

It probably does for a while… but in the process, what we do is actually ignore our values, our needs, our limits and reject ourselves… More frightening, right?

 

Do I actually know where to draw my limits?

 

It can be very difficult for some of us to say no because we just don’t know our limits …

We may feel that something is not working for us, but we don’t really know what.

So how can we say no if it’s not clear to us in the first place?

There is an introspection to be made.

There is most likely a need or a value behind this feeling that is not being met and that is why we feel uncomfortable. 

Here are some questions that can put you on the path to discovering your needs and values;

  • What do you like to do?
  • What annoys you?
  • What brings you joy?
  • What is draining your energy?
  • If you could choose to live 5 different lives, what would they be?

It is also useful in this exploration to analyse the situations where you are asked to take a position:

  • Listen to yourself; do you feel comfortable saying yes or do you feel obliged. If you’re not sure whether to say yes or no, ask for some time and allow yourself to think about it.
  • Try to separate what you really feel (your intuition, your guts, your emotions, …) and what you are thinking. Often we tend to dismiss our feelings and rationalize with thoughts such as “I should”, “I must”, “I have to”, “This is how things are done”, …
  • Listen to the advice you give to others, very often it is a reflection of your own needs and values!

How can I say “no” constructively?

When you are clearer about the limits you want to put in place, you also need to know how to actually get the message across without hurting or feeling guilty afterwards.

Here are some recommendations:

  • First of all, change your mindset; you are not a bad person when you say no! To say no is to respect yourself and others. You are constructive and trustworthy in your relationships.

  • Remember, people are not in your head. If you don’t communicate what’s best for you, they can’t know. Opening your heart and letting them know where you draw the line is showing them that you trust them to understand and it will strengthen your relationships. And it doesn’t, so that definitely tells you more about this relationship …

  • Prepare the discussion. A useful tool is the Non-violent Communication Framework. This helps us better understand why we want to say no but also helps us frame the discussion.
    • Observation: what is the situation? 
    • Feeling: what am I feeling?
    • Needs: what do I need?
    • Request: what do you want to propose?
  • It is never black or white. Opening the discussion can open up perspectives and you might actually end up with different alternatives to meet your needs and the other person’s needs.

I hope this short article is useful for you.

If you want more information on the framework of non-violent communication, I invite you to download the flyer I made on this subject. You will not only receive more explanations on the framework of non-violent communication but also 4 additional emails with online tools to help you explore your needs, values, emotions, … Very useful content to start daring draw your limits!