“NO”

Such a small word.

Such a difficult word to say.

Why is it so difficult to say “no”?

As social animals we want to belong and be loved and the thought of being rejected is just super scary!

So we create many stories to protect ourselves and prevent us from saying “no”:

• I don’t want to disappoint them
• I don’t want them to think that I can’t
• I don’t like conflicts
• I’m afraid of his reaction
• If I say no it will hurt her
• If I say no he won’t love me
• I don’t want to be selfish
• I’m a nice person, I care about others
• I don’t want be the fussy one
• …

Of course, these are stories. We have no idea what will happen if we say no.

But the fear is there and we rather say yes.

We believe that this yes will protect us from the rejection of others.

It probably does for a while… but in the process, what we do is actually ignore our values, our needs, our limits and reject ourselves… More frightening, right?

Do I actually know where to draw my limits?

It can be very difficult for some of us to say no because we just don’t know our limits …

We may feel that something is not working for us, but we don’t really know what.

So how can we say no if it’s not clear to us in the first place?

There is an introspection to be made.

There is most likely a need or a value behind this feeling that is not being met and that is why we feel uncomfortable. 

Here are some questions that can put you on the path to discovering your needs and values;

• What do you like to do?
• What annoys you?
• What brings you joy?
• What is draining your energy?
• If you could choose to live 5 different lives, what would they be?

It is also useful in this exploration to analyse the situations where you are asked to take a position:

• Listen to yourself; do you feel comfortable saying yes or do you feel obliged. If you’re not sure whether to say yes or no, ask for some time and allow yourself to think about it.
• Try to separate what you really feel (your intuition, your guts, your emotions, …) and what you are thinking. Often we tend to dismiss our feelings and rationalize with thoughts such as “I should”, “I must”, “I have to”, “This is how things are done”, …
• Listen to the advice you give to others, very often it is a reflection of your own needs and values!

How can I say “no” constructively?

When you are clearer about the limits you want to put in place, you also need to know how to actually get the message across without hurting or feeling guilty afterwards.

Here are some recommendations:

• First of all, change your mindset; you are not a bad person when you say no! To say no is to respect yourself and others. You are constructive and trustworthy in your relationships.

• Remember, people are not in your head. If you don’t communicate what’s best for you, they can’t know. Opening your heart and letting them know where you draw the line is showing them that you trust them to understand and it will strengthen your relationships. And it doesn’t, so that definitely tells you more about this relationship …

• Prepare the discussion. A useful tool is the Non-violent Communication Framework. This helps us better understand why we want to say no but also helps us frame the discussion.
  • Observation: what is the situation? 
  • Feeling: what am I feeling?
  • Needs: what do I need?
  • Request: what do you want to propose?

• It is never black or white. Opening the discussion can open up perspectives and you might actually end up with different alternatives to meet your needs and the other person’s needs.

I hope this short article is useful for you.

If you want more information on the framework of non-violent communication, I invite you to download the flyer I made on this subject. You will not only receive more explanations on the framework of non-violent communication but also 4 additional emails with online tools to help you explore your needs, values, emotions, … Very useful content to start daring draw your limits!

Do we expect too much from our relationships, be it friendships or romantic relationships?

I think some of us do …

Our expectations can be high, too high, sometimes even unrealistic. 

So let’s take a closer look at 7 situations where I think our expectations with regards to relations are unrealistic.

It may help us avoid the situations and work on building healthy and happy relationships with friends, with family and even with romantic partners. 

This article might sound a bit blunt and my intention is not to hurt anyone. Those are my thoughts, my reality.

Relationships are a big topic and if you’d like to discuss it further, I’m more than happy to continue discussing it with you!

No one will change for you.

I know you know this. We cannot change someone.

And yet, often, we try to help someone change… even a little bit… and this can lead to a lot of frustrations and disappointments as we cannot change someone…

For sure, anyone can change, but a person will only change if they want to. And it will be for himself/herself and not for you…

So, either you accept the person as they are with the parts you like and the parts you like less because you definitely can be close to someone even if you don’t like everything about the person…

Or you don’t try to be close to that person, and that is okay! But don’t try to mold someone the way you want them to be.

Don’t rate the person, look at the relationship…

It wouldn’t be so nice to be seen as a checklist, right? And yet I know a lot of women have this internal checklist.

Does he meet the criteria of intelligence, beauty, humor, socially acceptable, well dressed, …? The other has to meet so many criteria that he actually doesn’t stand a chance …

 Why not assess the relationship instead? 

• How do you feel with this person?
• Does it bring you joy and happiness?
• How does the energy flow between you two?

I think the focus should be on the relationship, not the person.

Someone can indeed check everything on your list and be “theoretically” perfect and yet in reality, the relationship isn’t working.

The perfect person therefore just may not be perfect for you.

Hope is double-edged!

It is good to hope for better days. Hope is a beautiful strength.

But to hope for better when you haven’t seen any changes is probably unrealistic …

In addition to not trying to change someone, don’t expect that something missing will suddenly appear.

So, be real, look at the person in the present.

Look at who you are with. Look at the relationships you have. Don’t project what that person might become. Or don’t dream how this relationship could be.

Look at the present.

Today, with the positives and negatives, is it working for you?

If so, there is hope. Otherwise, hoping is probably more of a fantasy and by consequence a waste of time. 

No one is a mind reader!

Don’t assume he or she knows…  

Don’t assume you know…  

Talk! 

The idea that she or he “should know” is not a good one…

We often have unrealistic expectations of others.  They are neither in our mind nor in our heart. They don’t know what we are thinking or what we are feeling. If we don’t express ourselves, we can’t expect the person to know how we are feeling or what we want. And vice versa.

Yet, we are still hoping they would maybe guess… Indeed, it is less romantic to ask for something than to be surprised!

The “languages of love” (cf. Book; “The five love languages” by Gary Chapman) is a good illustration of this. We all want to be loved or appreciated, but the way we give and receive love can be very different.   

Do we feel loved or appreciated when

• we spend time together?
• we receive a gift?
• we are physically close?
• we are given a hand?
• we receive kind and encouraging words?

The answer varies from person to person.

And often we will give love the way we want to receive it and not the way the other one wants to receive it… The goal is the same (LOVE) but the strategies vary. 

And if we don’t talk about it, how can we know what the other is looking for? 

The other one won’t complete you…

Do not expect that the other will fill you up, make you complete and that from then on everything will be fine …

Of course, the other will be there for you, to love you, to encourage you, to create a life with you.

But it is not his role to carry your pain or heal your wounds.

I would even say that unwittingly, the other will act as a mirror for you and show you where it hurts.

Don’t we say that it’s the closest people who hurt us the most?

Yes, they do like to push our buttons… 

And it is most likely to help us be more aware of ourselves and do the inner work.

That’s maybe why on a subconscious level we chose him or her and not someone else…

It shouldn’t be that difficult!

Sometimes the desire to be successful in a relationship is so high that we kind of force ourselves to make it work.

We strive for it, we challenge ourselves because we want it to work this time around and in the process we forget our needs, our wishes, our limits, …

Yes, relationships are complex, but I think they don’t have to be that difficult.

If there’s too much drama, too much pain, it’s probably not going in the right direction and not worth it.

And instead of questioning ourselves, we should just realize that we’re probably trying with the wrong person …

So choose your relationships, the ones that bring you joy and happiness, and let go of others. We don’t like everyone and not everyone loves us … and it’s okay!

Playing games, really?

If you want to build a lasting relationship, don’t play games.

Wear your heart on your sleeve. Be real, be yourself.

Yes, it is scary. The fear of being rejected and unloved can be immense.

But what good is it to be loved for a role that you play?

How can it work if you are not 100% yourself?

So don’t play games, be open, communicate what you want and take it from there.

Either there is positive feedback or there isn’t, either way you know what to expect.

If you play a role, you will never know it and the doubts will always be there.

I’m curious if this article has been helpful to you. Send me a message to let me know!

Emotions…

or E-motions…

Energy for action!

What are our basic emotions? 

The basic emotions are like the primary colours of the emotions. 

According to experts, there are 8 basic emotions.

• Sadness
• Shame
• Disgust
• Anger
• Fear
• Surprise
• Joy
• Trust

Then come the more complex emotions, such as jealousy, which can be a mix of fear, shame, and anger. Or at the other end of the spectrum is love, which can be a mix of joy and trust.

The multiple combinations create a very colourful palette, with each one of us having our own very unique version.

What strikes me in this categorisation is that we tend to start with more negative emotions (lower energy vibrations) than positive emotions (higher energy vibrations)…  Interesting, no? 

Our emotions are messengers... 

An emotion is an energy flowing in our body to deliver us a message. Our brain has processed an information (external stimulus) and the result is an emotion.

•  What should we understand from our emotions?
•  What is the emotion triggering in us?
•  And what do we do with that emotion?

First of all, we should welcome and accept our emotion, not ignore it. Then try to name our emotion. Which one is it? It is not always easy to define... Finally understand its message.

• Is my anger due to an unmet need or an unfulfilled value?
• Does my joy tell me which way to go?
• Does my fear invite me to surpass myself?
• Does my sadness tell me to let go?

Asking these questions allows us to understand what is going on within ourselves. We can then decide what behaviour we want to adopt.

Unfortunately, very often, our reaction to our emotion is immediate, spontaneous, thoughtless, … 

We don’t take the space or the time between our emotion and our reaction.

How can we better manager our emotions?

As already mentioned, our emotions are messengers. 

The way we react to them is up to us.  There is a space between our emotion and our response.

Sometimes the emotion is so strong that the reaction is immediate. It is a question of survival, the amygdala takes over and our neocortex is not responsive anymore as our oxygen and energy are used to offer a fast survival response (fight, fly, freeze, flock). 

Example: Your kid is crossing the street without noticing a car coming, you are extremely scared, you don’t think, you grab him. There is no analysis, you act.

You will only be able to analyse the situation when the danger has passed, when your neocortex is connected again.

Usually, we have an emotion and we are capable to take a moment (and use our neocortex) before reacting.

Not taking that moment can lead us to a response we might regret afterwards...

Example: Your colleague is not delivering a paper as agreed, you are very upset. You could lash out your anger or you could take a moment, breathe and think about the best way to deal with it.

So, how can we better manage our emotions?

First thing first: PAUSE. This pause is essential!

How to use this pause? 

A pause helps us not to react immediately to our emotions.

• To understand the reason for this emotion
• To analyse if this emotion only concerns us or involves other people
• To judge if a reaction to this emotion is important 

If the emotion only concerns yourself and the reaction belongs to you and has nothing to do with others, then the focus should be on what YOU can do to regulate this emotion.

Example: I was about to shout at my children. Why? I don't really know, they didn't do anything special apart from being kids. I'm pissed off because of my day. I need to exercise to reduce my stress level.

If this is an infringement on your needs or values, the first step would be to think and ask yourself if you have control and whether or not it is important.

Example: During confinement my need to have moments alone is no longer being respected ... This strongly impacts me. This does not solely depend on me and I can take actions communicating my need and the importance of it to my family.

In conclusion

Whatever the emotion, don't let your reaction take over.

Take a step back to pause and reflect and only after that, decide what is the best way to manage your emotion;

• accept the emotion because it is a normal reaction (for example, being sad when faced with a difficult event)
• take action (for example, communicate your needs so that you no longer feel upset)
• reset (for example, do some exercise to relieve the stress of the day)
• or even change your emotion (for example, recognise that you started the day on the wrong foot and switch to a happier mood)

Looking for a wonderful tool to better manage your emotions? Download the 4-steps NVC framework to better understand your emotions and better communicate your needs!

Here is also a video on the topic.

• Do you sometimes feel it isn't your place to share or give your opinion on a specific topic?
• Do you work harder than others to prove yourself?
• Do you doubt your accomplishments, even though you get positive feedback?
• Do you attribute your success to luck or chance?
• Do you wonder if you have sufficient background or qualifications to get the job?

Those questions are some examples of thoughts you might have had when experiencing the imposter syndrome. 

Do you recognise yourself in any of them?

What is it the imposter syndrome?

Put simply, the imposter syndrome is the fear of being revealed as a fraud. 

The underlying thought of someone experiencing the imposter syndrome is the following; "I might have been able, so far, to hide my incompetence but one day people will realise I am not so good at what I do”.

Although everyone can encounter this feeling at some point in her life or career, it becomes an issue if it is a recurrent pattern and prevents us from moving forward in our dreams or aspirations.

The different types of imposter syndrome

In fact, there isn't only one imposter syndrome… but several types of imposter syndromes and you might be confronted to one or several of them... 🤪

Let me start by listing them:

1. Superwoman
2. Soloist
3. Expert
4. Perfectionist
5. Natural genius 

Here is a bit more clarification on each of them;

1. The superwoman is overdoing it, working 3 times harder than others to prove herself. She stretches herself to the limit in order to manage it all.
2. The soloist can do everything on her own and she does not ask for help or support because doing so would prove, in the mind if of a soloist, that she is not capable of doing it and ultimately prove her incompetence.
3. The expert is never ready to share her expertise because there is always something more to learn, another training or certification to complete… 
4. The perfectionist wants it 100% perfect, 100% of the time and as there is always something to improve, the perfectionist wastes a lot of time and energy in order to complete a task. 
5. Finally, the natural genius thinks that if she can't excel with her current talents then it means she will never be good at it. 

We can react in different ways when facing the imposter syndrome:

• either we procrastinate (or even quit): "'it is too much  for me, impossible to do, so I better not even try it"
• or we overdo it: "I need to work harder, day and night, if needed, but I will prove I can do it"

In any case, the imposter syndrome leaves us unsatisfied and unhappy. No matter how hard we try and no matter if we are successful, we still feel anxious, doubt ourselves and we don’t celebrate our achievements.

How to overcome the imposter syndrome?

Am I the expert on this topic? No! 😉

But let me share some suggestions that might help you change your current way of thinking. 

First of all, I would suggest to try the following:

• nurture a positive mindset: be kind to yourself, accept your mistakes, learn from them and celebrate your achievements
• replace fear by action: challenge yourself, dare to try something new; prepare it, try it, learn from it and repeat
• use a step by step approach and look for progress, not immediate success

I also want to share with you some quotes and reflexions for each of the imposter syndrome, which you can remind yourself when facing some challenges:

1. Superwoman: “Trust yourself, you know more than you think you do!”  Benjamin Spock

Is it the quantity that matters or the quality? Are you not more efficient and impactful when you are less tired and overwhelmed? So, don’t compare yourself to others, leverage on your own talents and take care of yourself.

2. Soloist: “You can do anything but not everything” David Allen 

You cannot know and do everything. In which area are your competences the most useful?  Why not delegate some part of your work to others? Or create a support group to foster learning and grow yourself and others?

3. Expert: “The expert in anything was once a beginner” Helen Hayes

Knowledge is endless; there will always be something more to know.  But don’t you already know something that would contribute to others? You surely do, so don't waste it, share it.

4. Perfectionist: “Done is better than perfect!” Sheryl Sandberg 

It can always be better.  There are so many ways to improve. But how much time and energy do you want to spend on it? Is your time and value not better used for something else.

5. Natural genius:  “As much as talent counts, effort counts twice!”  Angela Duckworth 

If you have an interest in the task and you are not yet good at it, why not invest in it? With time and effort you can become good at it or even excel!

Last but not least, don’t forget, that life is a learning journey! We learn everyday!

So go out of your comfort zone, learn and you will be amazed at how much you can and will grow!

Another article which can be useful to you: "Le perfectionnisme, ça vous parle?"