“Our emotions are our messengers…” – Article

 

Emotions…

or E-motions…

Energy for action!

What are our basic emotions? 

The basic emotions are like the primary colours of the emotions. 

According to experts, there are 8 basic emotions.

  • Sadness
  • Shame
  • Disgust
  • Anger
  • Fear
  • Surprise
  • Joy
  • Trust

Then come the more complex emotions, such as jealousy, which can be a mix of fear, shame, and anger. Or at the other end of the spectrum is love, which can be a mix of joy and trust.

The multiple combinations create a very colourful palette, with each one of us having our own very unique version.

What strikes me in this categorisation is that we tend to start with more negative emotions (lower energy vibrations) than positive emotions (higher energy vibrations)…  Interesting, no? 

Our emotions are messengers... 

An emotion is an energy flowing in our body to deliver us a message. Our brain has processed an information (external stimulus) and the result is an emotion.

  •  What should we understand from our emotions?
  •  What is the emotion triggering in us?
  •  And what do we do with that emotion?

First of all, we should welcome and accept our emotion, not ignore it. Then try to name our emotion. Which one is it? It is not always easy to define... Finally understand its message.

  • Is my anger due to an unmet need or an unfulfilled value?
  • Does my joy tell me which way to go?
  • Does my fear invite me to surpass myself?
  • Does my sadness tell me to let go?

Asking these questions allows us to understand what is going on within ourselves. We can then decide what behaviour we want to adopt.

Unfortunately, very often, our reaction to our emotion is immediate, spontaneous, thoughtless, … 

We don’t take the space or the time between our emotion and our reaction.

How can we better manager our emotions?

 

As already mentioned, our emotions are messengers. 

The way we react to them is up to us.  There is a space between our emotion and our response.

Sometimes the emotion is so strong that the reaction is immediate. It is a question of survival, the amygdala takes over and our neocortex is not responsive anymore as our oxygen and energy are used to offer a fast survival response (fight, fly, freeze, flock). 

Example: Your kid is crossing the street without noticing a car coming, you are extremely scared, you don’t think, you grab him. There is no analysis, you act.

You will only be able to analyse the situation when the danger has passed, when your neocortex is connected again.

Usually, we have an emotion and we are capable to take a moment (and use our neocortex) before reacting.

Not taking that moment can lead us to a response we might regret afterwards...

Example: Your colleague is not delivering a paper as agreed, you are very upset. You could lash out your anger or you could take a moment, breathe and think about the best way to deal with it.

So, how can we better manage our emotions?

First thing first: PAUSE. This pause is essential!

How to use this pause? 

 

A pause helps us not to react immediately to our emotions.

  • To understand the reason for this emotion
  • To analyse if this emotion only concerns us or involves other people
  • To judge if a reaction to this emotion is important 

If the emotion only concerns yourself and the reaction belongs to you and has nothing to do with others, then the focus should be on what YOU can do to regulate this emotion.

Example: I was about to shout at my children. Why? I don't really know, they didn't do anything special apart from being kids. I'm pissed off because of my day. I need to exercise to reduce my stress level.

If this is an infringement on your needs or values, the first step would be to think and ask yourself if you have control and whether or not it is important.

Example: During confinement my need to have moments alone is no longer being respected ... This strongly impacts me. This does not solely depend on me and I can take actions communicating my need and the importance of it to my family.

In conclusion

Whatever the emotion, don't let your reaction take over.

Take a step back to pause and reflect and only after that, decide what is the best way to manage your emotion;

  • accept the emotion because it is a normal reaction (for example, being sad when faced with a difficult event)
  • take action (for example, communicate your needs so that you no longer feel upset)
  • reset (for example, do some exercise to relieve the stress of the day)
  • or even change your emotion (for example, recognise that you started the day on the wrong foot and switch to a happier mood)

Looking for a wonderful tool to better manage your emotions? Download the 4-steps NVC framework to better understand your emotions and better communicate your needs!

Here is also a video on the topic.

“When I burned out…” – Article

Burnout

The term "burnout" is sometimes misused, so I'm going to be careful when using it.

Nevertheless, I want to share with you my experience of burnout because it was an important period in my life that taught me a lot about myself and led me to my new career as a coach.

Here is the story of my burnout, as best as I can remember.

I hope it will be useful to you.

This article is also available in French.

It started like this: “I am feeling so cold! ”

Of course, there had been some signs that I wasn’t at my best; I was pretty tired, a bit emotional as well and I was having second thoughts about my work.

Nevertheless I kept going.

On my birthday, after a small celebration at work, I went back home and then I felt really cold.

My hands and my feet were super cold, it felt like there was no blood flowing there anymore. It was pretty strange.

So I took a warm bath, I put my pyjamas and a robe, I went to bed with the robe, under one blanket, two blankets,…

It didn’t help, I was so cold that my entire body was shaking.

It was not the first time my body was telling me to slow down. I was suffering from angina the summer before and I knew then that I had to take care of myself. 

But this time I felt something different, new, odd, definitely abnormal. I had to acknowledge what I was fighting against for weeks; something was wrong. 

 “I am not really ill…”

I called off sick for one week. The doctor said I was exhausted and I needed to rest.

Panic at the office since two persons working on the same project were already diagnosed with burnout.

I spent one week at home, going back to the basics; sleeping, eating, taking a walk, enjoying my little one (my son of 1,5 years at the time definitely helped me in this journey to take perspective on what really mattered !), and thinking about the nonsense of what was happening at work.

But during that week, I kept thinking; “I am not sure why I am at home, I am not ill, I am functioning normally”.

So I went back to work.

 “I want a coach!”

Luckily, I had the presence of mind to ask for some support. I was a bit vindictive. As the work had put me in this difficult situation, I wanted reparation and I requested to have a coach.

Of course it was absolutely necessary for me to get support as I was trying to keep it together but I was emotionally distressed (crying almost every day at work…) and my self-confidence had plunged. In a way, I had to reconstruct a part of me that was broken.

I thank myself today to have asked for a coach as it helped me beyond expectations… 

 Why did I burnout?

Looking back, I think there was a mix of contextual and personal elements that lead me to exhaustion;

  1. the superwoman syndrome
  2. a misalignment with my own values
  3. no distinction between myself, my role and the context

Let me clarify…

1. Superwoman syndrome

Just back from maternity leave, I wanted to prove myself that I could manage it all; having a baby and resuming my career where I left it. I had defined pretty clearly the rules of the game before jumping on this new project; I had to pick-up my son at the daycare everyday so my workday would be from 8am to 5pm and this was accepted. So, I thought it was going pretty well (even if I was running, running and running,…) and after 8 months back, I got promoted!

But being promoted meant more pressure; I had to be a role-model for the company and the project. And it is probably when it went sideways… I wanted to prove I had deserved the promotion (a slight imposter syndrome as well…) by being an example for the team and I started to execute what was asked from me even though I wasn’t completely in agreement with what was going on with the project…

2. Misalignment with my values

So, I knew or at least I felt something was wrong but I thought I just needed to try harder. 

During the coaching sessions, I realised I didn’t know myself and my values… 

So of course it was difficult for me to name and point out clearly what felt wrong to me.  Discovering my personality type and the values that were important to me helped me to understand why certain things were not acceptable to me on the project.

I realised that I had worked all this time against myself and there was no wonder it led me to self-doubt and exhaustion.

3. Me, my role and my context

I also realised during the sessions that I had made a big mixture of me (as a person), my role on the project and my work environment. 

I was constantly self-reflecting on myself and my abilities to be a project manager as those two were only one thing. And I never thought of taking some perspective on the environment I was in.

I had to learn to dissociate myself from my role and from the context I was in.

“I am leaving”

When it became clear to me that I couldn’t continue working on the project as it had became a toxic environment for myself, I took my courage and asked to leave.

Of course, it wasn’t easy, I was an important resource and I was promised things would change and I would have another role. Furthermore, I knew leaving the project was probably not a smart move career wise…

Despite this and because I couldn’t picture myself there anymore without feeling anxious, without seeing the future only in black colours, I completed my work and left quietly the project… 

Clearly, the team felt I was abandoning the ship but my decision was taken as it was a question of survival.

“I was right”

I jumped on another project where I could rebuild my confidence, take it more slowly, value myself and my expertise and be surrounded by a more positive environment.

A few months later, my previous project ended abruptly. The full team went back to the office, so disappointed of being let go after so much effort and so much energy. There was so much disappointment, anger and sadness.

I felt sorry for all of them and at the same time so relieved. After all, I had been right to follow my intuition and leave the project, It was not just my imagination, the project was a toxic place and it didn’t end well.

A strangely wrapped gift…

This was a difficult experience. A tiring one. A period with a lot of self-doubts. 

But I am truly grateful for it as it shaped me as a person and as a coach.

This experience of burnout led me to discover myself, to seek for self-development growth and to become a coach myself.

I would like to conclude with 3 pieces of advice;

1. If one day you feel something is wrong and you start doubting yourself more than usual, if you are becoming tired, emotional, having different behaviors than usual, it is probably that your mind and your body are trying to tell you something. Listen to yourself.

2. It is good to question oneself as a mean to improve but it is also important to reflect on the environment you are in; maybe you are not the issue, maybe it is the context. 

3. In doubt, seek opportunities to talk about your situation outside the system. It is only outside the system that you will be able to get perspective.

If you feel like you're burning out, don't stay alone, ask for help.

Let's discuss how you can overcome this period of your life and make it a strength!

“Who am I to…?” – Imposter syndrome – Article

  • Do you sometimes feel it isn't your place to share or give your opinion on a specific topic?
  • Do you work harder than others to prove yourself?
  • Do you doubt your accomplishments, even though you get positive feedback?
  • Do you attribute your success to luck or chance?
  • Do you wonder if you have sufficient background or qualifications to get the job?

Those questions are some examples of thoughts you might have had when experiencing the imposter syndrome. 

Do you recognise yourself in any of them?

What is it the imposter syndrome?

Put simply, the imposter syndrome is the fear of being revealed as a fraud. 

The underlying thought of someone experiencing the imposter syndrome is the following; "I might have been able, so far, to hide my incompetence but one day people will realise I am not so good at what I do”.

Although everyone can encounter this feeling at some point in her life or career, it becomes an issue if it is a recurrent pattern and prevents us from moving forward in our dreams or aspirations.

The different types of imposter syndrome

 

In fact, there isn't only one imposter syndrome… but several types of imposter syndromes and you might be confronted to one or several of them... 🤪

Let me start by listing them:

  1. Superwoman
  2. Soloist
  3. Expert
  4. Perfectionist
  5. Natural genius 

Here is a bit more clarification on each of them;

  1. The superwoman is overdoing it, working 3 times harder than others to prove herself. She stretches herself to the limit in order to manage it all.
  2. The soloist can do everything on her own and she does not ask for help or support because doing so would prove, in the mind if of a soloist, that she is not capable of doing it and ultimately prove her incompetence.
  3. The expert is never ready to share her expertise because there is always something more to learn, another training or certification to complete… 
  4. The perfectionist wants it 100% perfect, 100% of the time and as there is always something to improve, the perfectionist wastes a lot of time and energy in order to complete a task. 
  5. Finally, the natural genius thinks that if she can't excel with her current talents then it means she will never be good at it. 

We can react in different ways when facing the imposter syndrome:

  • either we procrastinate (or even quit): "'it is too much  for me, impossible to do, so I better not even try it"
  • or we overdo it: "I need to work harder, day and night, if needed, but I will prove I can do it"

In any case, the imposter syndrome leaves us unsatisfied and unhappy. No matter how hard we try and no matter if we are successful, we still feel anxious, doubt ourselves and we don’t celebrate our achievements.

How to overcome the imposter syndrome?

Am I the expert on this topic? No! 😉

But let me share some suggestions that might help you change your current way of thinking. 

First of all, I would suggest to try the following:

  • nurture a positive mindset: be kind to yourself, accept your mistakes, learn from them and celebrate your achievements
  • replace fear by action: challenge yourself, dare to try something new; prepare it, try it, learn from it and repeat
  • use a step by step approach and look for progress, not immediate success

I also want to share with you some quotes and reflexions for each of the imposter syndrome, which you can remind yourself when facing some challenges:

1. Superwoman: “Trust yourself, you know more than you think you do!”  Benjamin Spock

Is it the quantity that matters or the quality? Are you not more efficient and impactful when you are less tired and overwhelmed? So, don’t compare yourself to others, leverage on your own talents and take care of yourself.

2. Soloist: “You can do anything but not everything” David Allen 

You cannot know and do everything. In which area are your competences the most useful?  Why not delegate some part of your work to others? Or create a support group to foster learning and grow yourself and others?

3. Expert: “The expert in anything was once a beginner” Helen Hayes

Knowledge is endless; there will always be something more to know.  But don’t you already know something that would contribute to others? You surely do, so don't waste it, share it.

4. Perfectionist: “Done is better than perfect!” Sheryl Sandberg 

It can always be better.  There are so many ways to improve. But how much time and energy do you want to spend on it? Is your time and value not better used for something else.

5. Natural genius:  “As much as talent counts, effort counts twice!”  Angela Duckworth 

If you have an interest in the task and you are not yet good at it, why not invest in it? With time and effort you can become good at it or even excel!

Last but not least, don’t forget, that life is a learning journey! We learn everyday!

So go out of your comfort zone, learn and you will be amazed at how much you can and will grow!

Another article which can be useful to you: "Le perfectionnisme, ça vous parle?"

“All those little fears…” – Article

This is not an easy topic, nor a funny one… 

But it is definitely a very interesting topic and an important one as fears affect many of us.  So let’s talk about it!

When I say fear, I do not mean the emotion you feel when you are scared of something: a spider, a loud noise or watching your kid cross the street without paying attention!  This emotion creates a physical reaction (sweat, palpitations, etc.) and you likely let out that emotion by screaming or  crying for example.

What I rather want to talk about here is the feeling of fear that we are nurturing in our brain (anxiety, worry, panic).  We may rationally know that 90% of those fears are unfounded and yet sometimes those parasite feelings are taking too much space in our mind and in our lives.

Yes, let’s face it, we all have little fears. I am sure you can easily pick some in this short list: fear of ridicule, fear of loneliness, fear of saying no, fear of making mistakes, fear of commitment, fear of success, etc.

And this is actually absolutely normal.

Indeed, as long as we are growing and evolving, we are continuously invited to go out of our comfort zone and this leads to inevitable apprehensions.  The issue is when our fears are preventing us to move forward or to do what we really want to do.

So let’s consider fear as a companion for life and see how we can best deal with it.

In this article, I would like to share my understanding of fears and how they build in our brains and to suggest some ideas to overcome them.

Starting from the fact that our little fears are our self-thoughts, I became interested in understanding how the brain creates those.

There are two concepts I found very interesting and I will share it with you: the structure of the brain and the brain connections.

The structure of the brain

To sketch it in a simple way, our brain is constructed as follows:

  1. Reptile brain: survival decisions such as freeze, fight or fly response
  2. Mammal brain: connections and relationships
  3. Brain cortex:  The left “logical” brain and the right “emotional” brain

I’m sharing a beautiful drawing I’ve made to make it more understandable for my kids… (and myself!).

When we are thinking about our little fears, we are mostly activating the right brain cortex.

In some circumstances (anger or fear), we can also experiment the so called “amygdala hijack”; the amygdala, a small part of our brain, is taking control and makes us act before we think.  Our emotions are taking the full control and our cortex is no longer responsive.

To be able to deal with our fears, we need to be able to integrate the different parts of our brains and use both the left and the right parts.

The brain connections

The brain connections become faster and faster the more you use them. If you are using again and again the same flow of thoughts, you brain will continue doing so as it is its fastest response.

Same goes for the fearful thoughts: if “I am afraid, I am afraid, I am afraid” is your motto, it will soon become the motto of your brain.  This will not help you to distance yourself from your fear but will rather intensify the feeling.

The good news is that the brain is malleable and you can make new connections!  So if you feed your brain with new thoughts, the brain will adapt and make new connections.

Of course, this won’t happen in one day. It takes courage and resilience to change a habit but the most important thing is that you can change the flow of your thoughts!  

From theory to practice

So, now that we understand our brain better, let’s use this knowledge and apply it!

Concretely, what can you do? 

1. Feed your brain with positive thoughts!

Start repeating to yourself positive affirmations. This is a way to create new neuronal connections for positive thoughts and get away of your toxic thoughts.

2. If your right brain is taking the lead

(for instance, you are experimenting a vicious circle of your negative thoughts), try the following things to solicit your left brain and come back to a good balance between both sides of your brain.

2.1 Get factual about your fears: Rational emotional thinking (RET):

  • Do I have control over my fears? No. Then, what is the point of worrying about them? What will it bring me except for loss of energy and time?
  • Why am I afraid? Did it ever happen to me? How many times? Compared to the positive output, what is the ratio? So why focus on the negative output and not the positive?
  • What is the worst that could happen?

2.2 Get yourself into action: 

Concentrate on your breathing, go for a walk, for a jog, keep yourself busy to sooth your right brain and reconnect to your left brain.

3. Take action to triumph over fear

3.1  When your logical brain (left brain) is back on track, take the time to understand the triggers of your fears and write down all the reasons/facts that this fear is not reasonable. You can come back to your notes when fearful thoughts try to come back again.

3.2 Start challenging yourself.  Start doing some things that scare you. Go slowly, step by step but get out of your comfort zone.  Each victory will grow your confidence, boost your self-esteem and reduce your fear.

Nice to know that there are different things you can try, right?

So, which action are you going to take? 😉